How long has it been since you got ill?

Maybe the precise number comes easily to mind, as when children are very conscious of their exact age: ’I’m not 5, I’m 5 and 3 months’. When an event has such an impact, it’s natural to be aware of how long its been. Equally, we might want to forget, especially if it’s been a long time.

How do you feel when you think about how long its been?

It’s now over 3.5 years for me, and it’s difficult to look at that number.

I feel a whole mixture of emotions including sadness, resentment, jealousy, despair, anger, resignation and acceptance.

The whole situation feels surreal. When I first started on my healing journey, I thought that I’d be recovered in a few months. Later, I thought a year more would be all it took. I didn’t appreciate the scale of the challenge, and to be honest, that’s a good thing as it’s overwhelming to look it in the face and in any case we need to hold on to hope to keep us moving forward.

Time also seems to speed up when you’re ill. Those years have gone by very quickly, scarily so.

It feels like half of my thirties have vanished in a blink, as if a sink hole just opened under me one day and the sands of my life started draining into it.

With fatigue your days quickly become very limited and routine. When you’re doing so little, and the same basic things over again, time starts to go by in a blur.

Whatever your number is, it’s too long and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with it for that length of time and counting. Whether it’s months, years or decades, we’re all suffering.

There’s no magic amount of time served that releases us, sadly. This is just the reality of our life at the moment. All we can do is work on ourselves and our recovery in whatever way that looks for us, and treat ourselves with compassion and acceptance. This situation is hard.